Nostalgia and Poetry… Poem #3

Hmm…  Ok, I guess Poems #2 and #3 are testaments to the bad relationship I was in at the time. It seems 2003 was a really good time for me to have taken this poetry workshop class.  Check this one out and let me know what you think.

This Time (Draft – 2003)

It’s not about the games this time.
It’s not about the mess.
It’s not about the moldy tub,
or the money you spend
on things we don’t need.

It’s not about the dust this time.
It’s not about the way you drive.
It’s not about the late rent checks,
or the phone that’s
been shut off.

It’s not about the dirty dishes.
It’s not about the laundry.
It’s not about the lies this time,
or the nights I cook
and you forget to come home.

It’s not about the late nights this time.
It’s not about the early mornings.
It’s not about the litter box,
or the promises you’ve made,
and broken.

This time

It’s me you’ve neglected
It’s me you’ve ignored
It’s me that gives you all I have,
and what do I get
for that?
I get
lonely nights,
cold supper on the stove,
a toxic pile of laundry,
a phone no one can call,
a sad excuse for an apology when
you walk in three hours late,
a mound of dirty dishes,
and lies to tell my family:
No, we’re fine
He’s just working a lot.
It’s hard, you know,
Everything’s so new.

This Time (Revision – 2012)

It’s not about the games, the mess, the moldy tub,
or the money you spend
on things we don’t need.

It’s not about the dust, the way you drive, the late rent checks,
or the phone that’s
been shut off.

It’s not about the dirty dishes, the laundry, the lies,
or the nights I cook
and you forget to show.

It’s not about your late nights, my early mornings, the litter box,
or the promises you’ve made
and broken.

This time

It’s me you’ve neglected
It’s me you’ve ignored
It’s me you’ve taken for granted,
and what do I get
for that?
I get
lonely nights,
cold supper on the stove,
a toxic pile of laundry,
a phone no one can call,
a sad excuse for an apology when
you walk in three hours late,
a mound of dirty dishes,
and lies to tell my family:
“No, we’re fine.
He’s just working a lot.
It’s hard, you know,
Everything’s so new.”

What I changed and why…  The obvious changes here are the elimination of overly repetitive lines.  Many of the workshop comments suggested that it was unnecessary and detracted from the descriptions.  I also changed some of the spacing and line placement (but for some reason it’s not all showing up – HTML is not my friend), as well as added some punctuation.  I probably could have scrapped the whole poem and started fresh, but this one is so… real… and I was writing in the moment, that it would feel to forced to try to write it now after it all happened so long ago.

What do you think?  Does it work?

Until next time.

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